In the movie Conan the Barbarian, Conan spends most of his life chained to a wheel , pushing it around to grind grain for reasons we don’t really know, in a place called the Wheel of Pain. I use it as a metaphor for how depression and low self esteem create circles of reasoning that keep me from doing things and achieving my goals.

Here’s how it works. I’ll think about doing something new, like doing a podcast. Then my brain says: you need a microphone for that. After that, my work ethic will say, you need to earn the money for that. Next, my anxiety pops in, reminding me I haven’t worked in two years, so my chances of getting a job are rough,and I’ll have to fill out paperwork and go on interviews, which gives me hives. In a rush, here comes the low self esteem crew to make the final push of the ring, saying you won’t get a job, so why even bother to try this new thing. Thus, I’m back at zero, ready to start the grind again.

It isn’t just new things. This mental rack keeps me from doing things I’ve already done, like writing. The low self esteem posse has a special tactic for that. It’s called “You’ve already gotten as far as you’re ever going to get, so why even try ?”

It’s almost like a fighting game, and I can feel my self esteem meter drop with every hit. The favorite finishing maneuver is a low self esteem/depression tag team move. That one is “You don’t deserve that.” It’s used more than Hulk Hogan uses a leg drop. It can be applied to your work, your family, hell, even a cookie in the store. When the duo are really playing dirty, they’ll apply it to your life.

That’s what’s led me to where I am now, back in therapy after 7 years. I’m tired. I know the wheel made Conan strong, but I’m not Conan. Conan gets off the wheel by training to be a gladiator. I wish my fight was that simple. But mine’s going to require therapy, medicine and some serious brain retraining.

If you’re out there and struggling, please get help. Part of why I’ve done this is that I’ve lost several friends to this wheel the last couple of years. I’ve watched in horror as it’s ground them and their families to powder. I’m forty nine, I’m tired, and I’m fighting to make it to fifty. If I can change, so can you.