My name is Trevor, and I’m a liar. Been lying since I got away with pulling a prank on my mom April Fool’s Day 1979. (I put sugar in her saltshaker, and salt in the sugar. Morning coffee was chaotic.) I’ve lied in my personal life, I’ve lied in church, and I’ve lied in several professions. I was in sales, after all. And as an aspiring writer, I use lies to tell truths. But the person I lie to the most is myself.

“I should die.” “I’m worthless.” “I don’t have any talent.” Those are the top three, but the lies take many forms.  It’s a continuing litany, a peanut gallery and a hallelujah chorus. It was constant since I was in high school. It’s only since going through therapy, getting some meditation techniques, and anti-anxiety medicine that I get some peace.

We live in a society that lies to itself about its lying. Is it any wonder we lie to ourselves? Some of those lies are necessary, like it or not. Some are the grease that allows society to function. If people didn’t believe they could reach something, they wouldn’t ever try. And yet we praise those who “keep it real”. Most people who use that term are insensitive assholes who use their version of the truth to harm others. And what they think is the truth damages and forms lies in other people’s skulls.

“Be real, you’re never going to be a journalist.” “You’re not good enough to make the NFL.” Young people and children get told this, and some of them start to believe it.  They stop trying. They give up and go work in a faceless office somewhere. Or worse, they cope with the nagging feeling they could do something better, or do something creative, by numbing themselves with drugs, bad behavior or endless consumption.

I know that path well. I spent a good decade and a half drinking, fighting, and trying to kill myself slowly through nihilism and apathy.  I thought I was being hard by not caring. What I was doing was not engaging, sleepwalking through things.  When the pain was bad, I’d enter what I call “survival mode.” It was when I was feeling the numbest, when the voices were loudest. I spent that time in flight, when I thought I was fighting.

It took getting married to a woman raising three kids to start me down the road to really healing. A single mom has no time for your self-pity, or bullshit excuses. Your insomnia does not matter to three kids who need to get to school. Your terror about finances will not keep the lights on. It was a crash course in reality. But it came with people who believed in me, who put word and deed together in that department.

So, I owed it to them to get it together. And it is a battle I fight every day. Some days are a win, some are not. But I tell myself things which are true, but part of my brain thinks is a lie, in an effort to someday make the lies go away.

“I am worth something.” “I am somebody.” “I am loved.” These are truths. I know this in my heart. But there’s still a part of me that doesn’t believe. So, I lie my ass off to it. I tell it what it wants to hear. That I think I’m scum still. Anything to shut that inner asshole up.

And that’s my best advice today. Yeah, the truth hurts. Sweeten it up a little. Take joy in believing in yourself, even if it isn’t true. Believe you’re headlining WrestleMania when you’re only in some high school gym. Let every sketch be Kirby, every written word be Proust. Yes, you’ll need a reality check at some point, but learning to tell good lies to yourself will get you through some dark truths. Believe me, I’m a good liar.

Bonus section: First person to tell me the artist and name of the song the title of this piece came from gets their name added in here. I can only offer glory, not cash.

#HoldOnToTheLight is a blog campaign encompassing blog posts by fantasy and science fiction authors around the world in an effort to raise awareness around treatment for depression, suicide prevention, domestic violence intervention, PTSD initiatives, bullying prevention and other mental health-related issues. We believe fandom should be supportive, welcoming and inclusive, in the long tradition of fandom taking care of its own. We encourage readers and fans to seek the help they or their loved ones need without shame or embarrassment.

Please consider donating to or volunteering for organizations dedicated to treatment and prevention such as: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Hope for the Warriors (PTSD), National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Canadian Mental Health Association, MIND (UK), SANE (UK), BeyondBlue (Australia), To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

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